Author: Pastor Steve Duffy
There is quite a bit to talk about when it comes to the topic of “dating”, but I’d like to start with the concept of the long game when it comes to anything in shepherding young people. So what is the relational long game when it comes to “dating”?
A few things first…definitions. The Bible does not have a word or even a concept of “dating” as we see in our culture. Which brings me to a second and related point, we have work to do to define “dating” since it is a borrowed word/concept from the culture. How does the culture define what it looks like, what its purpose is, who should date and when, what should dating look like, etc? With that, we have more work than “Christianizing” a word/concept by adding “true principles/applications” (truth as the Bible defines). I’ll spend a few weeks on the dating topic in this equipping spotlight since we are also spending a few weeks on the topic on Wednesday nights.
First, to be fair, let's give a definition of “dating” from the culture’s perspective. Ha! Where do I go for one consistent definition that also gives answers to all the related questions regarding purpose, who to date, etc? Therein lies a challenge. What you’ll find is a mix, depending on who you ask. From my observations, since my own middle/high school days way back in the 1900’s, through the raising of my own children through the late ‘90’s until now and being around teens in that same duration, I think the “trusted and true” (quotes for sarcasm) source Wikipedia offers a fair representation and cites plenty of source material. If we want to let the culture define the culture’s own terms, then why not go there? At the minimum, we can derive that “dating” is a relationship that involves pairing off with someone of the opposite sex. (side comments: I’m not going to hit on the topic of homosexuality here by the way, hence my “opposite sex” statement. I’m also not going to use another borrowed word from the culture, “gender”, given that its definition, its origin and current use, injects much confusion in any conversation around sexuality and relationships.) With that cultural definition, the “best case” (I’m using this loosely to find something that actually has a linkage to marriage) is that “dating” is purposed as a trial period to see if the person might be their future spouse. A “trial” implies no commitment/covenant.
However, we do need to also contextualize this by answering the question, “how do the young people in my life define dating?”. I never assume a general cultural term/trend is ever 100% transferable to the young people I’m around in Iowa in 2024. So this past week we heard from our own students directly! I am both concerned and highly encouraged at the same time by the variety of answers passed along from our adult small group leaders. What do the young people in your life think about “dating”? Make this a question of conversation, and not just once, but an on-going conversation in the broader topic of relationships, sexuality, changes they are experiencing in their body/thinking/desires, etc.
I needed to share all the previous to give a reasonable flow to get us from “dating” to the relational long game Biblically speaking. Since “dating” involves relationships with the opposite sex, then we can navigate towards what does the Bible have to say about relationships? The answer, lots! Let me summarize the key points that build a Biblical view of the relational long game.
With the relational long game kept in view, a young person can look at the horizon and see multiple things in front of them that inform their decisions today, something like this…
Wow, this is a long one. So if you have read this far let me know and I owe you a coffee. I’m serious about that, let me know! This topic deserves time and attention though with so much confusion and temptation wrapped into it. And failures too. However, nothing is outside the reach of Christ’s work in His life, death and resurrection. There is no sin in this area that cannot be dealt with sufficiently in Christ. We must constantly share this also, not as license to sin, but as an assurance that failure is not the end!
Finally, related to all of this, my personal convictions are 1) I don’t buy into the Christianizing of the concept/practice “dating” (the % of young people who form covenant lasting relationships is extremely small), and 2) If a young person does not do the Biblical work to land on convictions, either like mine or arriving at dating being permissible with well thought out convictions, then my council to them will be to flee the dating game and do the work first. Everything else that follows the work (e.g., holding to a conviction to avoid “dating” altogether, or setting God-honoring boundaries) will serve young people well and not put them into a position to make a decision while in the heat of the moment.
With my convictions, I’m not going to condemn a young person for landing on a different convictions. I will however ask hard questions, out of deep care for them, about their convictions. It would be unloving to stay silent on a topic that leads so many young people down a slippery slope of following the over sexualized voices of the culture, the desires of their own flesh, and the reality of spiritual warfare to twist an area of God’s good design in sexuality and relationships. My encouragement to you is to not shy away from this as an on-going conversation with young people. It will be awkward at times, you might not even have an example in your own life that you were given, so chart new territory and go there in conversation with that previous question, “what do you think about “dating?” Read through some of the Scriptures noted, help them to build a set of convictions that will serve them well for a lifetime. Stay tuned for the on-going discussion next week on this topic! I’ll try to make it shorter 🙂
Photo Credit: Joe Yates, Unsplash
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