The Long Game With “Dating” Part 1

Author: Pastor Steve Duffy

 

There is quite a bit to talk about when it comes to the topic of “dating”, but I’d like to start with the concept of the long game when it comes to anything in shepherding young people. So what is the relational long game when it comes to “dating”?

 

A few things first…definitions. The Bible does not have a word or even a concept of “dating” as we see in our culture. Which brings me to a second and related point, we have work to do to define “dating” since it is a borrowed word/concept from the culture. How does the culture define what it looks like, what its purpose is, who should date and when, what should dating look like, etc? With that, we have more work than “Christianizing” a word/concept by adding “true principles/applications” (truth as the Bible defines). I’ll spend a few weeks on the dating topic in this equipping spotlight since we are also spending a few weeks on the topic on Wednesday nights.

 

First, to be fair, let's give a definition of “dating” from the culture’s perspective. Ha! Where do I go for one consistent definition that also gives answers to all the related questions regarding purpose, who to date, etc? Therein lies a challenge. What you’ll find is a mix, depending on who you ask. From my observations, since my own middle/high school days way back in the 1900’s, through the raising of my own children through the late ‘90’s until now and being around teens in that same duration, I think the “trusted and true” (quotes for sarcasm) source Wikipedia offers a fair representation and cites plenty of source material. If we want to let the culture define the culture’s own terms, then why not go there? At the minimum, we can derive that “dating” is a relationship that involves pairing off with someone of the opposite sex. (side comments: I’m not going to hit on the topic of homosexuality here by the way, hence my “opposite sex” statement. I’m also not going to use another borrowed word from the culture, “gender”, given that its definition, its origin and current use, injects much confusion in any conversation around sexuality and relationships.) With that cultural definition, the “best case” (I’m using this loosely to find something that actually has a linkage to marriage) is that “dating” is purposed as a trial period to see if the person might be their future spouse. A “trial” implies no commitment/covenant.

 

However, we do need to also contextualize this by answering the question, “how do the young people in my life define dating?”. I never assume a general cultural term/trend is ever 100% transferable to the young people I’m around in Iowa in 2024. So this past week we heard from our own students directly! I am both concerned and highly encouraged at the same time by the variety of answers passed along from our adult small group leaders. What do the young people in your life think about “dating”? Make this a question of conversation, and not just once, but an on-going conversation in the broader topic of relationships, sexuality, changes they are experiencing in their body/thinking/desires, etc.

 

I needed to share all the previous to give a reasonable flow to get us from “dating” to the relational long game Biblically speaking. Since “dating” involves relationships with the opposite sex, then we can navigate towards what does the Bible have to say about relationships? The answer, lots! Let me summarize the key points that build a Biblical view of the relational long game.

 

  • God is in perfect relationship with Himself in His triune nature as Father, Son, and Spirit. He is complete and sufficient in Himself. He lacks nothing.
  • God created a people for Himself to be in relationship with Him and one another. God created us in His image (Gen 1:26-27) and a characteristic of His image is relational. We were created to be in relationship with God and one another. This carries on after the fall (Gen 3) through the restoration of all things (Rev 21-22). For all time the relationship between God and His people has been described in marriage terms, He is the Bridegroom and His people are the Bride. This is the view of the relational long game.
  • Our current relationships are sourced from the previous truths and have the following relational long game truths to always keep in mind:
  • The church, the Bride of Jesus Christ (who is the Bridegroom), is called to a deep and abiding relationship with God and with one another, now and forever. This is a covenant relationship, the new covenant sealed by the blood of Jesus (Mth 26:26-29; 1 Cor 11:23-26).
  • In light of that, some on the journey will be called to singleness (Mth 19:10-12; 1 Cor 7:6-9). This is a gift from God. This is purposed for increased devotion to the Lord and others. This will also be the eternal reality of all God’s people (see my next point for why I’m saying this).
  • And also, some on the journey will be called to marriage (Gen 2:20-25; Eph 5:22-33). This is a gift from God also. This is also a covenant with God and with another of the opposite sex to remain faithful to this relationship until death. However, this is temporary (on earth), ultimately to fulfill being a visible display of the relationship between Christ and His Bride (the church), but also to fulfill the creation mandate (“be fruitful and multiply”). There will be no marriage in eternity since the creation mandate will be fulfilled and God’s full Bride is now dwelling with God in the final restoration of Rev 21-22.

 

With the relational long game kept in view, a young person can look at the horizon and see multiple things in front of them that inform their decisions today, something like this…

 

  • A young person looks ahead to Rev 21-22 (keeping in mind the full Biblical account from Genesis until then as I previously mentioned) to see the full Bride of Christ restored to perfect relationship with God. The end state of no marriage in heaven, being in perfect relationship with God and one another, sets a young person up to ask “what can I do now that contributes to this long game?”
  • A good next step is that a young person forms a set of convictions around relationships with the opposite sex now. At the minimum, they are called to be single today! Unless a middle school or high school student is planning on getting married while in high school, my view is singleness is in view and those are the convictions to build upon first. That clarity will guide the specific interactions with the opposite sex now. (more on that topic in the next few weeks too!) By the way, these same convictions will serve a young person well even if they are called to marriage, i.e., how they interact with others of the opposite sex after marriage, but also some very important relational truths that directly impact a marriage. So this is not a wasted effort!
  • A young person, as a middle or high school student, then continues to evaluate on the journey if they are called to singleness or marriage. How do they know? When will they know for sure? Who is in view to marry? How will they know if they don’t engage in a “trial” or “compatibility test” like the culture pushes? These are topics for the next few weeks!

 

Wow, this is a long one. So if you have read this far let me know and I owe you a coffee. I’m serious about that, let me know! This topic deserves time and attention though with so much confusion and temptation wrapped into it. And failures too. However, nothing is outside the reach of Christ’s work in His life, death and resurrection. There is no sin in this area that cannot be dealt with sufficiently in Christ. We must constantly share this also, not as license to sin, but as an assurance that failure is not the end!

 

Finally, related to all of this, my personal convictions are 1) I don’t buy into the Christianizing of the concept/practice “dating” (the % of young people who form covenant lasting relationships is extremely small), and 2) If a young person does not do the Biblical work to land on convictions, either like mine or arriving at dating being permissible with well thought out convictions, then my council to them will be to flee the dating game and do the work first. Everything else that follows the work (e.g., holding to a conviction to avoid “dating” altogether, or setting God-honoring boundaries) will serve young people well and not put them into a position to make a decision while in the heat of the moment.

 

With my convictions, I’m not going to condemn a young person for landing on a different convictions. I will however ask hard questions, out of deep care for them, about their convictions. It would be unloving to stay silent on a topic that leads so many young people down a slippery slope of following the over sexualized voices of the culture, the desires of their own flesh, and the reality of spiritual warfare to twist an area of God’s good design in sexuality and relationships. My encouragement to you is to not shy away from this as an on-going conversation with young people. It will be awkward at times, you might not even have an example in your own life that you were given, so chart new territory and go there in conversation with that previous question, “what do you think about “dating?” Read through some of the Scriptures noted, help them to build a set of convictions that will serve them well for a lifetime. Stay tuned for the on-going discussion next week on this topic! I’ll try to make it shorter 🙂

 

Photo Credit: Joe Yates, Unsplash

Recent Posts

In December 2023 when the Widows and Widowers group met, Angie Happel introduced the group to the book Seasons of Sorrow. She read chapter 9 “My Manifesto.” In this chapter Tim confirms that he will not be defined by his son’s untimely death. Nick Challies, Tim's oldest child and only son, died on November 3, 2020, while participating in a sporting event.

This past summer, Corina Blue and her daughter Ava first came through the doors of Stonebridge. Being new to Iowa, moving from the West Coast, everything about their visit was new to them, including relationships.

When I first considered joining my men’s groups, I wasn’t sure I could fit them into my schedule. But after being part of a couple, I’d highly recommend anyone of faith who isn’t currently in a group or Bible study to reach out and join one. Now, instead of wondering if I have time for them, I make time.