Author: Pastor Steve Duffy
With last week’s blog giving a starting point foundation for the relational long game, there are some additional core Biblical principles to consider when it comes to “dating” and relationships with the opposite sex in general
We started out last week with defining “dating” and started to lay the Biblical foundation for the relational long game, including relationships with the opposite sex, focusing on the following two principles to start:
- Live with the relational long game always in mind (Rev 21-22)
- Understand the design of singleness (Mth 19:10-12; 1 Cor 7:6-9) & marriage (Gen 2:20-25; Eph 5:22-33)
We want to add to the previous list the following four principles:
- Be evenly yoked in all relationships (2 Cor 6:14)
- Build meaningful friendships, including with the opposite sex (various Scriptures)
- Pursue holiness in all things (Titus 2; 1 Tim 4:8; 1 Pet 1:13-16; 1 Cor 10:31)
- Keep an on-going conversation with older/wiser Christians (Deut 6:4-7; Titus 2)
Be evenly yoked in all relationships…
The principle of “evenly yoked” comes from 2 Cor 6:14. It refers to a binding together of believer with believer in the context. Other words to describe “yoked” are partners or matched. So Paul is saying that as a believer in Jesus Christ, don’t form deep binding relationships with those who do not know Jesus Christ in the same ways that you would a believer. The mismatch is first and foremost in who is king in each life and which kingdom each belongs to. That in itself is the most significant mismatch. The practical outcome of being “unevenly yoked” is that the believer will be drawn toward the unbeliever’s way of life if the relationship is rooted in anything other than a primary purpose to introduce them to Jesus Christ. And a “yoked” relationship in this passage already implies something is off.
So, for believers, their most influential relationships should be with those who are also a believer in Jesus Christ. Relationships with those that are not believers in Jesus Christ are purposed for introducing them to Jesus through sharing the gospel in actions and words. For relationships with the opposite sex, the same principles apply, but a caution is in view… no “missionary dating”. The thought of forming a deeper relationship with someone of the opposite sex who does not know Jesus is a dangerous path to take and would also go against 2 Cor 6:14. Evangelistic efforts towards those of the opposite sex can always occur in groups or by efforts through same sex friendships
Build meaningful friendships, including with the opposite sex…
There are many “lists” available as to evaluating the substance of friendships. These are valuable for personal evaluation as well as assessing current or desired relationships. Each young person likely has a list in mind as to what they’d look for in relationships with others as well. Biblically speaking, consider ensuring that the following are considered:
Characteristics of meaningful friendships for reference:
- Time! Take lots of time with those of the opposite sex, and do so in groups to interact and observe > avoid pairing, exclusive relationships, and in private. Time in many contexts, many different situations, and many people.
- Are they a Christian? What proof is there? What criteria do you use to confirm?
- What does consistency in their faith in Jesus Christ look like? How is it lived out in various parts of their lives? Consistently, occasionally, only on Sunday/Wednesday?
- Do they love Jesus more than a relationship with you? How do you know? > Avoids you becoming an idol, a replacement for something that they are not pursuing God for.
- Purpose! Do they understand the greater mission of God’s people and their fit in that?
- Character! It matters. Make a list of those traits that are most important to you. (1 Tim 4:12, attributes of Christ)
- How do they treat those in authority over them? parents/guardians (Eph 6:1-3), church (1 Pet 5:5; Heb 13:17), civil (Rom 13:1-7; 1 Pet 2:13-17; Titus 3:1)
- How do they treat others when around them? (e.g., siblings, current friends, co-workers, classmates, team/activity members, church family, etc.)
- How do they talk about other people when not around them? (James 3:1-12)
- How are they doing at their primary calling (school)? What is their opinion of it and their effort towards it? (Col 3:23-24)
- How do they handle conflict? (James 4:1-10)
- What do they do when under stress?
- What do they focus on when in conversation; themselves more or others/you? (Phil 2:3-4)
- Do they live a disciplined life or don’t care? (1 Cor 9:24-27)
- How do they care for their physical body? (1 Cor 6:19-20)
- Guard the hearts of one another!
- Physical attraction: although important, recommend this come after the previous!
- Common interests: although important, this would also come after all the previous list.
Pursue holiness in all things…
Holiness is being set apart. Not looking like the world, but increasingly like Jesus for His name’s sake. It is a striving to grow in the knowledge of Christ and reflect Christ for the glory of Christ. This includes purity not just physically but in all aspects of life, especially thoughts and what type of deeper level bond is occurring in relationships.
Keep an on-going conversation with older/wiser Christians…
This is the pattern in the full counsel of God, that an on-going connection between the older generation and younger generation be kept alive and active! This forms an interdependency to blend the wisdom/maturity of the older with the zeal/immaturity of the younger. This is a mutually encouraging relationship to foster in the life of the church. This is true in all facets of the life of young people, but all the more important when it comes to such a powerful and complex experience of relationships with the opposite sex. I can’t underscore enough of the importance of parents/guardians and other trusted Christian adults to speak openly and honestly about these things with young people as an on-going conversation.
Some final thoughts…
A key question for young people: Are you ready (mature spiritually, financially, etc) to consider marriage if a deeper relationship develops quickly? The speed at which a bond between those of the opposite sex forms is powerful, complex, and a current that requires maturity to navigate.
With the previous in mind, two general approaches might be in view from the “now” of young people regarding the potential for a future marriage:
One view: 1-1 trial/test > grow in friendship > commitment to path to marriage > engagement > marriage
Key questions: What motivates the “1-1 trial/test” phase? What occurs in this phase that cannot be achieved through Biblical friendships? What is at risk of being lost in this phase if pursued for other motivations?
Note: It might be that you don’t agree that the order of things matches reality. My assumption is that in this path that each person has in view a pursuit even before the “dating” relationship is made official. The pairing off and getting to know one another deeper, then the establishment of a “dating” relationship are combined into the trial phase. It doesn’t mean that aspects of friendship are not developing as well (in parallel), but the greater emphasis is on the pairing and the interactions that occur in light of that
Another view: grow in friendships > 1-1 with commitment to path to marriage > engagement > marriage
Key questions: Would you miss anything in the “grow in friendships” phase if this was your primary means to observe the lives of those of the opposite sex? What are the benefits of learning to interact with those of the opposite sex with intentional physical and emotional boundaries?
Tune in next week when we’ll start to weave in answers to the practical questions in light of the foundational truths we’ve laid so far!
So much for a shorter blog! Drop in next week for part 3. And if you have read this far (like last week), the offer is still on the table for a coffee to hear your thoughts on the topic!
