Author: Pastor Steve Duffy
It is a Wednesday night and your teen comes home from youth group and asks, “Guess what I heard in youth group tonight?” What follows is a description of how another student had fallen short, that is they had sinned in a clear way and with that the natural consequences are significant. How would you respond?
This is a likely scenario whether you are a parent/guardian or youth leader and the context could be any part of a student's life (e.g., family, school, activities, neighborhood). However, I'm focusing on the youth group context namely to highlight the importance of the response between those in the church.
A good starting point to answer the previous question "How would you respond?" is, how do you respond when you fall short, when it is your sin and consequences that are in view? Your familiarity with navigating through the gospel yourself, from failure to restored fellowship with the Lord and others, is the substance you'll use in your response to young people who fall short, and then in turn how you coach them to respond to others in the youth group scenario mentioned. With the previous in view, here are a few things to consider as you respond to the youth group scenario mentioned.
Set the stage, petition God
Pray together before the conversation, pausing to do so. This is needed to ask God for His wisdom (James 1:5-8) and to "set your mind on the things that are above" (Col 3:1-4) as you talk through the topic. In praying, consider a verbal walk through of the gospel as a reminder; from God's glory, to sin that remains in us, to His grace & mercy through Jesus's finished work on the cross and resurrection, to our new identity in Christ, to our hope in Him now and forever to have taken the penalty of sin, given us power over sin now, and to give us the promise of full deliverance over sin and death in the life to come!
A heart check, the need for humility
It would be helpful to specifically remind of the following, even reading these passages ahead of the conversation:
- Do a check on pride vs humility by reading Matthew 7:3-5 together to remind one another to take the "log out of our own eye" first.
- Consider reading Romans 3:21-26 to remember that we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
The previous Scriptures (and others you might have in mind) speak to sin itself, to connect with the truth that the darkness and deception of sin is alive in us all and that we are all capable of sinning in various ways if our eyes are taken off of Jesus. As you proceed look for evidence of pride (e.g., like in Luke 18:9-14) that creeps in during the conversation.
Dig in and coach
- Ask lots of questions to get at what they understand, what they heard, what they saw.
- With the previous, ask questions around what they think about it all. What does their current response look like in thought, or even possible actions/words if that has already occurred. This will help test their understanding of sin vs the consequence of sin, how the gospel has been applied (or not) as they have thought through the situation.
- To coach them through this, you might make it personal for them by asking, “If this were to happen to you, what does dealing with this through the gospel look like step by step yourself?” With this, also ask “What might it look like for others to come alongside you to help you in that?” Both of these questions reveal their practical application of the gospel in dealing with their own sin, and will reveal yours too! This also sets them up for considering what their role might be to come alongside this fellow student.
- Through the previous you'll notice gaps or misunderstandings. Take note of these and then use the Scriptures to fill in gaps or clarify. For example read Eph 2:1-10 together, walk through each part of this. Maybe you have other Scriptures that are go-to verses for you as well that would address specific gaps or misunderstandings.
- Consider also asking if they know who (adults, other students) is involved to provide care/support to the student during this season. In times of significant failure, there is an important initial and on-going need for others to walk through the gospel together, to ensure repentance & belief is not minimized or overtaken by guilt, shame, condemnation, etc
- Also ensure you understand your young person's connection to the student. Do they have a relationship and can play a part in the team of care/support, that team of gospel caregivers? If not in the immediate circle of care, at the minimum everyone can have a part with praying for them and encouraging them with words, living out many “one anothers” practically
Summarize in this way
End the time summarizing the significance of the situation, in both the failure but also the gospel opportunity. Don't shy away from acknowledging the sin involved in the situation as you don't want to minimize or glorify the sin and consequences that follow. Also acknowledge how hard this will be for the student that failed significantly. Paired with the previous would be caring for them in Christ in whatever ways the Lord leads. Stress that the student will need support as they face bouts of guilt and shame and as the reality of the consequences takes shape. Remind your young person that the call of the church is to be quick to care for the student and shut down any form of gossip or tearing down that occurs. Also remind your young person that this is a great opportunity to demonstrate the fullness of the gospel in a very significant test of faith for the student, their immediate care/support, and for the church as a whole.
Gratitude and petition
End with praying together, thanking God for the riches of his mercy and grace in Christ. Ask God to give your student (and all others around the situation) the opportunity to show the mercy and grace of Christ in tangible ways.
A final note
I have seen this happen and done well. Both truth and love displayed in the midst of very challenging situations. I have heard the ones that fell short testify to being the recipients of God's mercy and grace through His people in the wake of their failure. This is a testimony of understanding the fullness of the gospel and applying it in very tangible ways. Know that your response in situations like this towards the young people in your life matter, and how you respond to a young person that brings home this info may be a helpful evaluation to your own appropriation of the gospel in your life.
"For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life." - Titus 3:3-7
