Lessons In Loneliness

Author: Elaine Brown

I developed this teaching tool with my last counselee. She presented with issues of loneliness and abandonment. Since this was new territory for me, I began to read and read articles on the subject. I hope you find this article helpful in future counseling.

Are Feelings of Loneliness a Sin or a Cry for Help?

What happens when you live in fear or sadness, but perhaps you don't share or confess for fear of judgment? Do you feel that you are all alone and yearn to be with and feel connected to others? This feeling describes the emotion of loneliness. Other words people use to describe this emotion includes feeling empty, isolated, excluded or left out. You can feel lonely when you are basically alone and you can also feel lonely in the presence of others. Loneliness is really a reflection of whether or not you feel connected to others. The fight with temptation intensifies when we are feeling disconnected, insecure, or depressed. While it is beneficial to seek needed times of solitude, drawing near to God and away from busyness and distraction, loneliness is not a discipline to create times of reflection but a perceived or real deficiency in relationship. God invites us to Himself to meet the most profound depth of this deficit. We need to understand there is a vacuous place in our soul that can only be met in Christ.
 

Matthew 11:28–30 (ESV) “28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

The beauty of the Christian faith is that we are never really alone. God is with us, and abiding in Him is the first and most powerful antidote to loneliness.

Psalm 62:1-2 (ESV) “1 For God alone my soul waits in silence;  from Him comes my salvation.
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation,  my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.”

The root of loneliness isn't the absence of other people, but an inner absence that you don't have a centered awareness of your true self to God.

Psalm 34:17-18 (ESV) “17 When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. 18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”

The Lord ordained the Church to provide a platform for deep fellowship with Him and each other. The Church is the beacon of hope that draws people from every tribe and tongue together to satisfy a longing for connection. Ultimately, the deepest need to connect and abide is with our Lord Himself, but He has chosen the Church to be the most intimate reflection of the communion.

John 13:34-35 (ESV) “34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. 35 By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

Loneliness Increases Common Temptations

Most of us know that when feeling isolated or lonely, we are more likely to fall into temptation. Temptation can happen any time, but we are more susceptible to wrong thinking and fleshly desires when we are not in life-giving fellowship. James lays out a pattern for temptation's slippery slope.

James 1:13-15 (ESV) “13 Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and He Himself tempts no one. 14 But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. 15 Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.”

Because people who experience ongoing loneliness don't feel well, they frequently engage in behaviors or ingest substances that make them temporarily feel better or numb the pain. The danger is that many of these substances and behaviors are addictive. Common addictions include alcohol, drugs, tobacco, eating, exercise, media (including television, internet, and smartphone use), sex, shopping, and working. Trying to ease the pain of loneliness by replacing our Creator (God) with the created is sin.

Feeling bored and feeling lonely are closely related. In both instances, you feel disengaged from tasks  and/or people.

David was well-acquainted with loneliness, and his honest cries to God are recorded in Psalm 25. David was longing to be connected to God and his reliance upon that relationship.

Loneliness doesn't cause us to sin, but it certainly makes it easier to start down the path.

A person that is desperately lonely may have added feelings of abandonment, betrayal, rejection, loss or unresolved conflict. This state of mind can lead to a yearning that takes us to false comforts, false security, worldly pleasures, and passive aggression. Loneliness isn't the same for everyone, but it is an equal opportunist.

People may start to ask, “Does anyone really care?”

Loneliness can be like an echo chamber in your thought life. Loneliness tends to exaggerate negative thinking and behavior. It is like an echo chamber of our worst fears that drown out wisdom. Proverbs 1:33 (ESV) “but whoever listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of disaster.” Self-talk, in the flesh, can lead a person down a path of saying “I am unloved.” And start looking for love in all the wrong places.

Jesus Understands Loneliness

Isaiah 53:3-4 (ESV) 3 “He was despised and rejected by men, a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces He was despised, and we esteemed Him not.”

Sometimes we feel alone in the world, Jesus understands this feeling. In a very human sense, He was alone. Imagine what living in this world was like for Jesus. He was without sin.

Hebrews 4:15 (ESV) “15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.”

Imagine what His childhood was like. He would have been odd, sticking out morally like a sore thumb, never quite fitting in with any group, even His own family.

Jesus sorrow and grief began way before Gethsemane. Jesus knew supreme rejection and loneliness.

Matthew 27:46 (ESV) “And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” that is, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

Jesus is perfectly suited to understand your loneliness. He is a high priest who can sympathize with this weakness.

But Jesus doesn't just understand your loneliness, He's destroying it. Because He died on your behalf, you are no longer truly a stranger or alien, but you are a fellow citizen with the saints and a member of God's family. Ephesians 2:19-20 (ESV) “19 So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, 20 built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus Himself being the cornerstone,”

You are a child of God, your loneliness is passing away. And the fading loneliness you still feel Jesus understands. So “let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” as said in Hebrews 4:16 (ESV).

Remember Your Value as a Child of God

As a child of God, you are deeply loved by Him. You need to hold onto this. All humans were made and imprinted with His image, making each and every human meaningful. If you don’t believe this, then it might be hard to remember that you matter and are worthy of love.

That’s the message of the Bible, that human beings matter and are deeply loved by God. Part of your coping with loneliness may mean that you should spend time processing and reflecting on this truth so you can really incorporate it into your way of thinking.

Because the more it’s ingrained in your mind, the more power and freedom you will have from the lies of loneliness that say, “Nobody wants you. You don’t matter.” That is the opposite of what God tells us in Scripture, and you need to hold onto His truth as you confront your loneliness issues and step into healthy relationships.

How to Overcome Loneliness

Connect with God through reading scripture, praying and participating in worship. Scripture is supernatural and can help anyone who feels lonely. As the foundation, God's Word reminds us that, despite our loneliness telling us that we are alone, as His beloved children, we are never alone.

Psalm 23:4 (ESV) “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”

Deuteronomy 31:6 (ESV) “Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Psalm 27:10 (ESV) “For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.”
 
Romans 8:38-39 (ESV) “38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

 
Connect with fellow believers by not only attending worship services, but by joining a small group or Sunday school class. God is a God of relationship and community. We are designed to be in community with God and with one another. Perhaps that is why loneliness hits us the way it does when we are not obedient.

Connect to people by volunteering either in your church or non-profit such as a food bank. Find ways to humbly serve people in your community.

Pray that God will open doors for you to become more connected to your local church family and community. Instead of waiting for someone to reach out to you “Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16 (ESV).

Remember Who You Are In Christ: I am…

• A Child of God
• A Saint
• Redeemed
• Adopted
• Justified
• Reconciled
• Chosen
• Victorious
• Filled with joy and peace
• Made us alive together with Christ (even when we were dead in our trespasses)

If loneliness has caused you to sin, confess your sin. 1 John 1:9 (ESV) “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

Conclusion

The fear of loneliness is a normal emotion, but it shouldn’t control our lives. Moving beyond these fears will require you to develop a sense of confidence rooted in your own identity as a person (who you are in Christ) and child of God.

If your sense of self is rooted in the affirmation of others (fear of man verses fear of God), then you will always live on the edge, wondering, “What do other people think of me? Will they leave?” Developing a sense of self is by no means easy. It will require time, patience, compassion rooted in Christ, healthy community, and maybe even support from a Biblical counselor.

But what is important to remember is at the end of the day, God makes us a powerful promise. In Deuteronomy 4:31 (ESV), He says, “For the Lord, your God is a merciful God; He will not leave you or destroy you or forget the covenant with your fathers that He swore to them.” This is a promise to the nation of Israel and it is a promise for us today in Christ. This is a powerful promise of His commitment to His people in Christ. And it is a promise to you that He will never abandon you.

Sources:
Helping People with Loneliness and Temptation, by Garrett Higbee, Biblical Counseling Coalition - November 13, 2020
Dealing with Abandonment Issues: Overcoming the Fear of Abandonment, by Dr. Maria D. Reyes – Tacoma Christian Counseling – October 21, 2019
What the Bible says about Loneliness and How to overcome it, by Michael Lee Stallard, September 16, 2019
Jesus Understands Loneliness, By Jon Bloom, Desiring God, October 12, 2012